Is It Time To Stop Reminding?

 

When our kids are young, we spend a lot of time reminding them to do many things: wash their hands, brush their teeth, say please and thank you, and get ready for bed, just to name a few.

We hope that as they get older, they will start doing these activities on their own.

BUT,

Here we are.

Still reminding them.

On a typical day, do you find yourself saying any of this, like I did?

In the morning:

  • Time to wake up

  • Finish your breakfast

  • Get dressed now!

  • Don’t forget your homework / backpack

  • Hurry, you’re going to be late!

In the afternoon:

  • Start your homework

  • Get a snack

  • Don’t forget to practice the piano (clarinet, cello, etc.)

  • Don’t fight with your brother

  • Get off your phone and go outside

  • Do your chores

In the evening:

  • Spend time with the rest of us

  • Set the table

  • Don’t play with your food

  • Finish your homework

  • Don’t stay up late, you’ll be tired in the morning

Why do we keep offering all these reminders?


4 Reasons We Remind So Much
:​

There are four main reasons for reminding that come up in my parent coaching sessions.

Please know that you are not alone if you feel any of these, and they are all totally normal!

1) Habit

This was a big one for me. I had gotten so used to reminding, these statements came out of my mouth as if I were on autopilot. For a while, I didn’t even realize how often I was reminding and what I was saying.

2) We want our kids to be successful

We don’t want our kids to miss learning any important skills - like politeness, cleaning, or time management – that will help them now and in the future.

3) Worry

We want to be really great parents and we worry about what will happen if our children don’t do the things we’re reminding them about.

For example:

  • We don’t want our child to get upset that they got a bad grade, because they didn’t turn in their homework.

  • We worry that our kids’ brains won’t develop as well as they could, if they’re spending too much time on technology.

  • We imagine that other people will judge us and think we’re not good parents if our kids are rude or unhelpful.

4) Fear of not being needed

We want to have close, loving relationships with our kids. When they’re little and they need our help, that closeness feels easy and natural. Teaching our young children through reminders also helps us feel naturally close.

As our kids get older, sometimes we fear that they won’t need us anymore. So, we continue the behaviors we used when they were young to try to maintain our close connection.

What are the Upsides and Downsides of Ongoing Reminding as Your Kids Get Older?

Most human behaviors have both positive and negative aspects, depending on how and when they are used.

Let’s look at how this relates to reminding:

The Upsides of Reminding:

  • Kids learn important skills and lessons they need to be responsible, healthy and kind.

  • Kids experience success by having the supplies they need, finishing their homework, practicing piano etc.

The Downsides of Reminding:

  • Kids don’t learn to manage their time or take more responsibility on their own.

  • Kids don’t experience negative consequences and learn from them, which might motivate them to remember to do things without our reminders.

How to Tell if it’s Time to Change?

Here are some clues that it’s time to stop reminding your kids so often and try a different approach.

1) Your child gets annoyed at you or asks you to stop.

2) You’re flat out tired of reminding. You could feel frustrated, exhausted or overwhelmed too. Why won’t your kids just take responsibility? You feel they’re old enough to do things on their own without your help.

3) You notice you’re offering more reminders than you used to, because your child’s behavior has changed or you’re more anxious about your child.

4) You’re ready to stop feeling worried, anxious or tense about your child and the things they aren’t doing.

What Can You Do Differently?

1) Take clues from your child

If your child asks you to stop reminding them, they are setting a boundary and asking for your trust. If you honor their request, you will create enormous goodwill with your child and build their confidence. And you’ll deepen your relationship at the same time.

If your child gets annoyed with your constant reminders and you agree you’ve been hovering too much, apologize and say you’ll stop. Then, do it! This will also build goodwill and trust with your child, and deepen your relationship.


2) Train, Problem Solve, and Stand To The Side:

If you’re ready for your child to do more on their own:

  • First, assess that your child is old and mature enough to do this task on their own. Giving them a task they’re not ready for can backfire.

  • Then, let your child know that you want them to take over responsibility for completing the task without reminders from you, because they’re old enough and you trust them.

  • If your child doesn't have all the skills to do the task on their own, train them so they know exactly what to do and what you expect. Break the task into smaller pieces if that is helpful.

  • If your child has all the skills, but you want to make sure they will do the task, you can ask, “What’s your plan for (making sure you practice piano every day)?”

    This question conveys trust in your child’s ability to solve the problem, gets them thinking, and gives you reassurance that they’ve got a plan!

  • Praise your child’s progress and let them know that you see them trying to get things right.

If your child is not following through, stay calm, and have a problem solving conversation.

  • Say you notice they’re not (taking out the trash, playing the piano every day, etc.) as you agreed.

  • Ask what’s getting in their way of getting the task done.

  • Ask what their plan is to do the task on time.

  • Praise them for what they’re learning and their attempts to get it right.

3) Learn From Your Fears

Feeling worried, anxious, tense or fearful as a parent is totally normal. This is a big part of the coaching work I do. We all have fears about our kids and whether we're making the right decisions. If you’re feeling this way, it means you really care about your kids and want to do your best.

To learn more about your fears and where they come from, it can be helpful to write or talk about what you are most worried about. You can also notice where you feel the fear in your body and find ways to relax.
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4) Connect With Your Child In New Ways

If you have a fear of not being needed as your child grows, please know that your children always need you, even if they don’t always act like it!

The ways they need you just change as they get older. For example, they may need more emotional support or a sounding board for navigating their challenges, rather than advice about exactly what to do.

​To connect in new ways, some questions you can consider are:

  • How can you connect and bond with your child in positive ways, rather than with reminders?

  • What does your child like to do that you could learn about, so you could talk with them about it and share their interest?

  • What activities can you do together that your child would enjoy?

Your love, interest and support mean the world to your child, bring the two of you closer, and give your child confidence in themselves.


What are you going to do next to start reminding less and help your kids do more on their own?


Want more tips to get your kids to listen and do what you ask?

How To Discipline With Love And Get Results will give you the tools and confidence you need.

Read more
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