What Can We Learn From "This Is Us?"

Do you watch the tv show, “This Is Us?”

I love it! 

It’s one show that regularly makes me laugh out loud and wipe away tears.

In last week’s episode, I was struck by the interaction between teen-aged Tess and her mom, Beth.   I thought I’d share a few of the key lessons from the show, which all of us can use, no matter how old our kids are.

In case you didn’t see the show, here’s a brief synopsis:

Tess just started a new relationship with Alex who uses they/them pronouns. Beth has been struggling to use these pronouns which annoys and hurts Tess.  Tess invites Alex over after school.  When Beth finds Tess and Alex kissing in Tess’ room with the door closed, Beth says it’s time for the two teenagers to relocate to the couch downstairs. Embarrassed and angry, Tess says to Alex, “I’m sorry my mom is such a psycho.” Beth immediately asks Alex to leave so Beth can talk to Tess about her rudeness.  Beth and Tess have an agitated exchange about how Tess didn’t like the look on Beth’s face when she saw Tess and Alex together in her room.  Beth denies there was any look on her face.

Beth realizes she overreacted and goes back to talk to Tess.  Beth begins by saying firmly, and without yelling, “You will not call me names. Not in front of anyone.  Not in private.  That is not the way we do things in this house… Understood?”  Tess responds sincerely, “Understood.”  Having addressed that issue, Beth then sits down on Tess’ bed and says, “But you should be able to tell me how I make you feel…  Is there anything else you want to say to me?”

Let’s look at the two parts of the conversation when Beth returns to talk to Tess.

1) Restating  values and rules:

Beth started by re-asserting their family’s rules and values in a clear, concise and specific way. There is no doubt what the rule is and the behavior that Beth expects.  Beth spoke firmly yet gently.  In doing so, she conveyed that while she did not like Tess’ behavior, she still loves Tess as her daughter. This distinction is important for Tess to hear and feel, as it is for all of our kids. We always love them even if we don’t like something they did.

Additionally, I want to point out three things Beth didn’t do:

First, she didn’t yell.

This would likely have escalated the tension and bad feelings between the two of them.  Tess would then have been more focused on how mean her mom was than on her own inappropriate, name-calling behavior. 

Second, Beth did not put Tess down in any way. She made a straightforward and factual statement about the rules, rather than launching a personal attack.  An insult would only have escalated the argument and completely undercut Beth’s point about how people speak to each other in their house.  Modeling the behavior you expect from your children is an effective way to teach them how to behave.

Third, Beth didn’t say:

“How dare you talk to me that way!”

“You need to show me more respect!”

“You better apologize right now, young lady!”

We’d all likely want to say these things if we were Beth and it’s absolutely okay to think them!

But these types of statements come across as vague and angry, and are more likely to lead to arguments, yelling and defensiveness from your child, which would not help an already tense situation. 

Demanding an apology, in particular, is most likely to create resistance in a child who feels angry or hurt.  In addition, when anyone’s apology is forced, it is often insincere. 

Imagine how you would feel if someone demanded you apologize when you didn’t want to.  Forced apologies typically do not help children learn from their mistakes and change their behavior.

2) Repair and Reconnection:

When Beth sits down on Tess’ bed she says, “But you should be able to tell me how I make you feel……  Is there anything else you want to say to me?”

Tess is still embarrassed and hurt by Beth’s sending Alex home and the look Tess thought she saw on Beth’s face.  Tess tells her mom that she knows she’s is trying, but points out that Beth doesn’t have to try with her sisters, and that makes Tess sad.  Tess adds, “I don’t know if we’re ever going to be close again.”

Although this is gut wrenching for Beth to hear, let’s look at two things she did well.

First, Beth is trying to repair the rupture in their relationship created in their last exchange.  She is essentially saying, “I didn’t like how you spoke to me, but I know I upset you.  You have every right to tell me that and I want to hear how you feel. I want to respond more appropriately this time than I did last time.” 

Repairing a rupture is a good approach to use when you know you have hurt your child.  You want to come back to repair the relationship as soon as you can, but without rushing.  From this experience, your child learns that relationships have tensions and conflicts that can be resolved.  This also builds trust with your child.

Second, Beth demonstrates her sincerity about repairing and listening by asking, “Is there anything else you want to tell me?”  As a result, Tess opens up and shares how she’s really feeling.

So often, when we talk to our kids, especially about tougher issues where we disagree, and they are having a hard time, and/or we are struggling, our kids can say something that feels hurtful or takes us by surprise.

When that happens, we’re often not sure what to do!

And that’s okay.

Here’s a tip to handle a similar situation. Try saying something like, “Thank you for telling me that.  I didn’t realize you felt that way.  I don’t want to say the wrong thing and make anything worse. I’d like a little time to think about this some more and then talk to you about it again.  Our relationship is really important to me.  I love you.”   Then, you can regroup and reopen the conversation at a later time, after you’ve thought things through and have a clearer idea what you want to say.

Here are 4 questions I encourage my clients to answer before they have challenging conversations with their kids.

1) What’s your objective for the conversation? 
(Listen to your head and your heart to tap into all your thoughts and feelings.)


2) What do you want to say to your child?

3) What’s the best way to communicate that so your child will hear you and feel comfortable opening up to you in your conversation?


4) What will you say and do if your child is not receptive or doesn’t open up?


As for Beth and Tess, we’ll just have to wait and see what happens next, and how they navigate their relationship from here.

But while we wait for the writers to create the next episode, here is a very real way for you to create an even closer relationship with your children:

8 Ways to Help Kids and Pre-teens To Open Up.

Click HERE for all the details.  It’s free!