How To Be More Present For Your Kids
"My goal is to be more present with my kids," my new client said to me recently.
She's not alone. I have heard this from a lot of parents recently, so you're in good company if you have been thinking the same thing.
"What would it look like for you to be more present?
"What makes it hard to be as present as you would like?" I asked.
With answers to these questions, we were able to dive in to what my client wanted and needed.
Because what being present looks like can vary from person to person.
I've had people tell me they want to:
> let go of responsibilities and worries that distract them when they're with their kids
> put away their phone
> be able to provide better support when their kids are having a hard time
> spend more time with their kids
What would being more present look like for you?
Not only does being present mean different things to different people, what makes it hard to be fully present can vary too.
There are a variety of things that can hold us back from the presence we desire.
The best solutions provide a personalized answer to your unique struggle.
Here are some common examples:
1. Technology distractions
Those notifications call to us to click and see what's new, the pressure to stay connected can compel us to stay on our phones, the lure of social media can suck us in for longer than we expected, and our boredom or procrastination can feel alleviated when we turn to technology. All of this can divert our attention away from our kids.
Solutions:
- Consider putting your phone in a different room when you want to spend time with your kids.
- Designate tech-free family times, such as meals and riding in the car to activities, so you have more focused time with your kids to talk to each other.
- Dig into the cause of your boredom and find an activity that stimulates you and brings you more joy and fulfillment.
- Understand the cause of your procrastination and address your underlying worries or fears.
2. Busy schedules
Let's face it, our families are busy! We can feel stretched thin, juggling work, household responsibilities, kids' after school activities and social obligations. It can feel impossible to squeeze in anything more.
Solutions:
- Look at your schedule and see if there is anything you can delegate, reduce, or say no to.
- Consider how to make the most of the small pockets of time you have. For example, can you make the time before bed a bonding time? Are there 10-15 minute spaces in your day when you could spend with your child? Can you accept that weekdays are hectic, but you have more time on weekends? All of these are enough to create meaningful connections with your child. Remember it's the quality of time you spend with your kids, not the quantity.
3. Stress and Fatigue
The demands of daily life, combined with personal stressors can cloud our minds and make it challenging to be fully present. Preoccupations with work, financial concerns, and messy/cluttered spaces from daily living with kids can pull us away from being with them.
Solutions:
- Mindfulness practices like meditation and breathing, getting more sleep, exercise, or other relaxation activities can clear our minds and reduce our stress.
- Accept that dishes and laundry can wait or enlist the family in a fun, joint effort to clean up the house.
4. Unresolved emotions
It can feel like there's a barrier to fully engaging with our kids when we have lingering emotions from other relationships. I've had clients talk to me about ongoing conflicts with a partner, frequent fears of something bad happening to their child, or anxiety about being with their kids because they never had a parent who was fully present for them, and they're not sure what to do. It makes perfect sense that these deep feelings would make it difficult to be more present with our kids - we only have so much emotional bandwidth.
Solutions:
- The ideal is to get professional support to help with these issues.
- Talking to a friend, personal reflection, journaling and finding constructive ways to express your emotions can also help.
5. Parent Guilt and Unrealistic Expectations
Sometimes we get caught in a vicious cycle. We're not spending enough time with our kids, so we blame ourselves and feel guilty about it. When we dwell on those missed opportunities, we miss more opportunities to spend time with our kids and continue to feel bad about it. And the cycle repeats.
We can also be held back from fully engaging with our kids by the pressure and unrealistic expectation to create perfect moments and memories. We can get so involved with the planning and execution of events, and the disappointment if things don't go as planned, that we miss opportunities to connect.
Solutions:
- Understand the source of guilt and perfectionism and work on those issues with a coach.
- It can also help to know that we'll never be perfect, because we're only human, and kids don't need perfection in order to have good memories.
- Remember that the quality of time is more important than the quantity of time you spend with your kids.
- Knowing that genuine connection is built on shared experiences, even if they are small, can often help parents get started.
Which of these challenges to staying present with kids resonates for you?
Is there another challenge that feels more right to you?
Being present for your child, however that looks for you, can bring you more satisfaction as a parent and greater closeness in your relationship with your child. It can also enhance your child's self esteem which then extends to all areas of their life.
Children don't need a perfect parent. They just need you as your authentic self.
With a child off in college, it has become even more clear to me that children will carry your presence with them, even when they leave home.
I'll leave you with this sweet quote that Christopher Robin says to Winnie-the-Pooh in Pooh's Grand Adventure:
"If ever there is a tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you."
Wishing you more connected moments in your family this year that ripple out to your child for a lifetime.
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