How to Raise Grateful Kids - Part 2
A few weeks ago, I shared an article called "5 Key Ways to Raise Grateful, Happy Kids."
If you haven't read it yet, click here.
One of the main points from this article is that feeling gratitude is not something we are born with. It's something we have to learn. As parents, we can have a tremendous positive influence by teaching our kids to be thankful and actually seek out the positive and good. This ability will help kids grow up to be kinder and more compassionate, and make a positive difference in the world.
In this article, I want to share with you two additional tips about raising grateful kids.
1) When You Should Not Discuss Gratitude With Your Child
The answer may seem counterintuitive, but I've experienced this myself and so have my clients. The time it's best not to talk to your child about gratitude is when they are actively complaining about something and you really wish they would show some gratitude! You might even be tempted to say, "Do you know how lucky you are?" or "Well, I think we're really lucky to have a nice house and enough food to eat. Not everyone has that."
The reason these responses typically fall flat is because your child isn't able to hear and process them at that moment. While your child is complaining, they are typically tense and caught up in their negative feelings. Attempts to redirect your child or tell them to respond differently often feel overwhelming and frustrating to them. They may also feel like we don't understand or care, which, of course, is not our intention or feeling at all!
Have you ever had the experience where you were really upset about something and the person you were speaking to didn't want to listen or told you it was no big deal? I want to invite you to tap into that feeling and remember what it was like. What did you wish the other person had said instead?
I want to encourage you to apply that empathetic perspective to your child.
When your child is complaining, you can simply hear and validate how they feel. You don't have to agree. You just have to accept that their feelings are valid for them at that moment and they have the right to feel that way. You can say things like:
I get that you don't want to x.
You're really (angry, disappointed, etc.) that x happened.
You wish x could happen instead.
Please adapt these examples to your situation and use your own words to convey that you understand what your child is going through. Make sure to use an empathetic tone in your voice and give your child your full attention.
When your child feels your attention and empathy, they will more easily calm down. They will feel understood and cared for, and that there is less to fight against. They are also likely to tell you more about what is bothering them and allow you to help.
Accepting your child's feelings often takes practice. It can require patience, and, sometimes, trial and error, and that's totally normal. But it is a skill worth learning. You will find there are many opportunities to use this skill with your kids to diffuse outbursts and strengthen your relationship.
2) What to do when your child is not showing gratitude in a specific situation
At a time when you and your child are calm, ask if it's a good time to talk to them. The approach I'm about to describe works best for children who are at least five years old.
Your goal in this conversation is to help your child feel gratitude and come up with the way that your child will show it. Remember, gratitude is not a feeling we're born with. We need practice in order to learn it. You're doing your child a great service if you take the time to teach them.
I'll use an example that happened with my daughter when she was eight. It follows the pattern of "Notice-Think-Feel-Do" which comes from the Raising Grateful Children Project at UNC Chapel Hill.
Start by describing what you saw in a neutral, non-judgemental way.
I noticed that when Grandma gave you her present, you took it, but didn't really say anything. Did you realize that?
Ask what your child was thinking or feeling at the time of the behavior you wish had been different.
Stay neutral and curious.
What were you thinking about and feeling when Grandma gave you her present?
Validate and accept your child's answer.
I'm glad you told me that. I wondered what you were thinking. That makes sense.
Encourage your child to think about the other person.
How do you think Grandma felt when she gave you the present and you didn't say anything?
Why do you think Grandma gave you this gift?
Did she have to give it to you?
Encourage your child to focus on their feelings.
How do you feel about Grandma's present?
What about it makes you happy (or whatever feeling they said)?
Encourage your child to do something to show appreciation.
What would you like to do to show appreciation to Grandma for her gift?
How do you think Grandma will feel when you do that?
When would you like to do that?
End with praise and reinforcement.
I really like what you came up with.
I agree with you. I think Grandma will feel really happy when you tell her how much you like her present.
It's really important to thank people for presents and let them know how much you the present means to you.
It’s good manners and shows you really care about them as well as the present.
This is only one example, so please adapt these questions to your child and your specific situation. Done in a calm, caring, conversational tone, this kind of discussion with your child can help them open up and feel motivated to show gratitude, and feel good about it!
If you would find it helpful to watch a video of conversations between parents and children about how the child could show more gratitude, check out the parent program from the Raising Grateful Children Project at UNC Chapel Hill. The purpose of this free, online, 30 minute program is to help parents develop skills to foster gratitude in their children. It's mainly geared for parents of pre-teens and teens, but the ideas can be adapted to younger children too. The videos showing “gratitude conversations” and “missed opportunities” start in the middle of the program, but it’s worth going through the whole program from the beginning.
If you have questions about how to help your kids develop gratitude, just click here and let me know. I'm happy to answer a question for you on the house. I always love hearing from caring parents, and I'll respond quickly.
Wishing you success and meaningful conversations as you teach your children about this important topic.
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