How To Build Your Child's Self-Confidence and Resilience
So often, we focus on what our children need to improve.
Helping your child tap into their strengths is one way to help them build self-confidence and resilience, and strengthen your emotional bond with your child.
Here's an example of what I mean.
My client, "Lari," had a 10-year-old daughter, "Desi" who complained about the drawings she had to make for a science assignment.
"Everything I draw looks terrible! I can't make it turn out right. I'm not any good at drawing." Desi seemed really down and defeated.
Desi made these kinds of comments periodically when she was having trouble with something.
Here are the types of responses Lari had tried in the past that didn't work.
"I think you're really good at drawing!"
"Don't worry, you'll figure it out."
"Can I help you draw it?"
"It's just one assignment. It's no big deal."
"Drawing is not that important. I'm sure the teacher won't take off many points for your pictures."
None of these comments made Desi feel better or more motivated her to finish her assignment.
Instead, Desi argued with her mom and said she didn't want her help.
Lari worried about her daughter being so hard on herself, and she was frustrated that nothing she said seemed to help Desi feel better or solve the problem.
After one of our coaching sessions, here's what Lari said that did work:
"It's really frustrating when you're drawings don't turn out like you want them too."
"I'm remembering when you were in second grade and you had that after-school art program. Remember how they showed you pictures and taught you how to draw them? All the drawings you came home with were amazing!"
Desi smiled and said she'd find some pictures on the computer to look at.
An hour later, she happily showed Lari her completed assignment.
Lari offered a specific compliment about each picture and told Desi her pictures were great!
Why did this approach work for Desi?
Lari used empathy to acknowledge Desi's frustration.
This helped Desi feel understood and that her mom was on her side.
There was nothing for Desi to argue about or reject. She felt calmer.
Tip: A caring tone of voice works best when empathizing with your child.
Lari enthusiastically reminded Desi of a time when she'd been successful at drawing in the past.
This helped Desi feel good about herself and realize there was a new approach she could try that was likely to work.
As a result, Desi felt motivated to finish her assignment.
This is a subtle point - suggesting that Desi try looking at a picture without mentioning her past success might not have been as effective. Because Desi was feeling down, she might have argued that it wouldn't work and not felt as motivated to try it.
Again, Lari's tone of voice (e.g., enthusiasm) was really important here.
Lari took the time to make specific compliments about each picture that Desi showed her.
Our children look up to us and seek our approval.
While a general "great job" is always nice, specific compliments, like "The colors you chose make your map really stand out," go deeper in helping your child feel good about themselves and confident in their abilities.
The combination of Lari's responses helped Desi build resilience in dealing with a challenging situation.
Desi got stuck and felt defeated, but she (indirectly) asked for help, was reminded she was capable, tried a new solution, and experienced success.
In the future, Desi will be able to draw on this this experience when she finds herself in a similar situation, especially if she has practice over time recalling other past successes.
What did Desi experience in this situation with Lari?
My parent understands how I feel.
My parent believes in me.
My parent is someone I can go to for help.
My parent makes time for me.
My parent celebrates accomplishments with me and helps me feel good about myself.
All of these things create positive memories and strengthen the relationship between a parent and child.
This repeated experience also makes it more likely that our children will continue to turn to us when they need help, especially about more serious issues.
If this approach fits you and your child, I invite you to try it. If you have any questions about what to do, contact me HERE and I'll get right back to you.
I want to encourage you to see your child's strengths and help them value those parts of themselves.
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