The Truth Behind Sibling Rivalry and A Powerful Thing You Can Do About It
A dad with two children recently asked me why his kids often competed with and complained about each other. “I do my best to treat them fairly. I don’t compare them. I don’t have favorites. What’s going on?”
What’s going on is very common, even when we try to do everything fairly.
The short answer: Our children are totally dependent on us for their survival. So, it’s only natural that children would compete for our love, attention, time and approval. If there were only one child in the family, the thinking goes, then s/he could get everything we have to offer. The existence of other children in the family creates the impression that each child will get less of us and all we provide.
Subconsciously, our children believe that if they have all of Mom and Dad - all our attention, all our love, all the presents, all the food, they get to go first, they are the favorite, etc., - then they will have the greatest security and ability to thrive.
While sibling rivalry is something that happens naturally, that doesn’t mean you just have to put up with it and hope it will pass. Research shows that parents can make a difference in the amount of sibling rivalry in our homes and how it shows up.
In fact, our beliefs and words have influence over how our children behave. When children get angry, we can show we hear them and allow them to express themselves without judgement. When siblings fight and compete for our attention, we can help them learn to stop. We can teach and empower our children to resolve conflicts they have with other family members.
I cannot list all the solutions to sibling rivalry in this article, because the specific causes vary from family to family and are dependent on your children’s ages, feelings, and the different dynamics in your home. The solutions require that parents learn and implement new approaches that are right for their family.
But I don’t want to leave you hanging! So here is a helpful response you can give when your child asks, “Who do you love most?”
You can say:
Each of you is special to me in your own way.
You are my one and only (child’s name)!
I love you so much!
There is no one else in the world exactly like you.
I love the way you (smile, give me big hugs, ask questions, work hard, never give up, think about things, care about other people, etc. … insert two or three specific qualities you appreciate about your child).
I am so glad you’re my daughter/son.
And I’m so lucky to be your mom/dad!”
What your child is really asking is, “Am I special and important to you? Do you really love me?” They want reassurance that they have your love and support.
Even though your first instinct may be to answer, “I love you all the same. I don’t have any favorites,” children often don’t find this answer satisfying, even when it’s true. They may think you’re just saying that and don’t actually mean it.
So, tell your children how much you love them and how special and important they are to you!
Hearing this will help your children feel seen, heard and loved for who they are as special individuals. This is something we all deeply crave.
Hearing this will give your children the feeling of love and security they want and need from you. It will strengthen your relationship with your children.
When children feel cherished in this way, they gain an important building block for enhancing their self-esteem and reducing sibling rivalry.
To get even more insight into how to end the sibling arguments in your home, schedule a FREE, confidential, no obligation, consultation call. You’ll have a safe space to discuss what’s going on with your kids and how to have more peace in your home.
Let’s Talk!