4 Solutions For Common Sibling Arguments
When our kids argue and fight, it can bring up a lot of feelings for us as parents.
We can feel stress from listening to the conflict.
We can worry that our kids are never going to like each other and get along, and that our dreams for a close loving family are in jeopardy.
We can feel frustrated and exhausted that nothing we’re doing is getting the fighting to stop.
If you’ve felt any of this, I want you to know that you are 100% not alone!
So many parents feel this way.
I used to feel this way when my kids were younger.
Please know that you are in good company!
Your feelings are evidence that you're a great parent who is trying your best, and some new concepts and strategies might be helpful to change the dynamic in your home.
Conflict is a normal occurrence in all family relationships whenever the people in the relationship have different needs and perspectives. When those needs and perspectives aren't in alignment, conflict results. As parents, we can teach our children how to problem solve and resolve conflicts in ways that bring them closer.
Many people ask me, "Shouldn't we just let our kids work it out on their own?"
It's a good question and maybe this was your own experience with your siblings growing up.
Research shows that when we take this approach, it's usually the child who has more power in the relationship who wins. This dynamic often does not result in your children learning how to resolve conflicts in ways that bring them closer. Instead, it can lead the winner to overuse their power. and lead the loser to feel powerless and resentful.
Teaching your children effective conflict management skills is not only for the current moment. You're also teaching your children skills they can apply for the rest of their lives - with friends, co-workers, future partners, etc.
With these ideas in mind, here are tips for helping your children resolve four common sibling arguments.
1) Arguments About Property
Any argument like these is a fight over property:
A child who claims the big, comfy chair in front of the tv and won't let their sibling sit in it.
Both your kids want to play with the same toy.
Your teens both want to use the car at the same time.
Consider this approach:
"You two sound like you're getting angry at each other. What's going on?"
(Notice you're not taking sides or blaming anyone. You're simply describing what you're hearing.)
Listen to each side and say back to them what you heard. This helps both children feel that you're being fair and that you understand how they're feeling.
Describe the problem without placing any blame. "I can hear this is important. Two kids and both of you want one (chair, toy, car)."
"I have confidence that the two of you can work this out and find a solution that feels fair to each of you."
Leave the room and let your children work it out from here. You may be surprised by the fair solutions your children come up with.
2) Tattling
This was a big one in my home for a while and it got on my nerves!
I had one child who tattled, because she was was missing being an only child, and she wanted to get her sister in trouble. It made her feel better about her place in the family.
My other child didn't have any jealousy to work out. She simply had a very strong sense of right and wrong, and wanted to make sure everyone was following the rules. In preschool, she also tattled to her teachers about her classmates.
I wanted to nip this in the bud for both kids, so my older one felt more secure, and my younger child did not suffer any negative consequences from her teachers or other kids.
Here's what can help:
Provide clear guidelines: Explain that telling on other people at home and/or at school is okay only when someone is hurt or about to be hurt.
Give examples from your child's experience: Someone is climbing high on the fence on the playground and the teachers have told kids not to. OR Someone is reaching for a kitchen knife when you've said not to.
For all other situations, explain it's okay for your child to notice what's happening, but they don't need to tell anyone about it.
Calmly remind your child of the rules if they forget. Sometimes, children need to hear the rules again as they are learning.
Praise your child when they stop tattling all the time and only tell you about the serious issues.
If the underlying reason for the tattling is jealousy, you may also want to spend some dedicated one-on-one time with your child, so they feel even more connected to you. As little as 10 or 15 minutes a day or a few times a week on a regular basis can make a big difference in how your child feels.
3) You're spending more time with my sibling than you are with me!
Here's what this can look look and sound like:
"You spent more time in her/his room saying goodnight!"
Frequent interruptions when you're reading your other child a story, or helping your other child with a school project.
It's normal for children to want to measure the minutes you spend with each of them to make sure everything is equal and "fair." In their young minds, more time with you, means more of your love and attention which they need to survive and grow. They want to make sure they are getting enough and no one is getting more than them.
Here's an approach to consider:
It's helpful to first acknowledge your child's underlying feelings, so they feel you really understand them. You can say something like:
"Are you wishing I would spend more time with you?"
Then provide reassurance that your child is important to you. Let them know you are happy to be spending time with them or will spend time with them soon.
Examples:
"It must have been hard to wait for me to come in to see you. I love you so much, and I'm glad I'm here with you so we can talk and snuggle together before you go to sleep."
OR
"When I'm done helping your brother/sister with this project, I want to hear what you want to tell me / I want to play a game with you."
4) I want more time with you / Leave me alone!
One of the more difficult things for us to see is a younger child who looks up to and wants to spend time with an older sibling, but the older sibling seems like they are ignoring their younger sibling.
This is really common when your older child hits the tween and teen years, and their sibling is several years younger.
Your older child may have different and older interests now. Your older child might think the games your younger child wants to play are too childish. Your older child may also have less time to play, because of increased homework or activities.
Whatever the reason, it may feel like there's a big gap between your kids, and it's natural to worry about how to overcome it.
Here's one approach that can help.
Talk with your younger child about how they're feeling and what they wish would happen. You'll often hear that they're sad their older sibling doesn't play with them anymore, and they want more time with them. They may say they feel ignored or forgotten.
Then talk with your older child and say something like this.
"(Younger sibling) really looks up to you and misses spending time with you. I know you're so much busier now. How would you feel about spending some time playing with your sibling?"
Validate whatever your child answers. Say you understand, and their answer makes sense.
Ask how much time your older child would be willing to spend with their sibling.
A good minimum is 30 minutes to an hour once a week. You can request or require this amount if your child is having trouble identifying how much time they can dedicate.
Ask what kind of activities your older child would be willing to engage in that both children would like. Help with ideas if needed.
Ask if your older child would be willing to initiate this activity with their younger sibling.
Thank your older child for doing this.
Sibling relationships are ever changing. At different points in their lives, our children move closer together or further apart. If you think about your own sibling relationships, you may see the same pattern. This is completely natural. There is no way for parents to control their children's relationship to ensure that their children are always close.
However, we can do our best to help our children feel good about themselves and learn conflict resolution skills, so that arguments don't fester or happen as often, and children have more opportunities to feel good about each other.
The family is the first place where we learn about ourselves, other people, relationships and the world. The way we relate to our children, and teach them to relate to each other, is a gift that will serve them for a lifetime.
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