What To Do When Your Child Wants To Quit
Maybe your child
Begged to join the basketball team.
Was accepted by nomination into a leadership camp.
Loves dance and has been taking lessons for two years.
And suddenly, one day in, one week in, or in the middle of a session you’ve already paid for, they tell you they want to quit!
For many of us, this creates an internal conflict.
If we say yes, we worry we’re not teaching our child to persevere and follow through on their commitment.
If we say no, we worry maybe we’re being too harsh and forcing our child to do something they really hate. We wonder if they’ll end up resenting us.
And when all your options feel like they’re going to result in a negative outcome, it’s no wonder we feel stressed, confused, and like we’re not doing a “good enough” job as a parent.
What I have found by working with clients (and when my own daughter wanted to quit her gymnastics camp after one week), is that there is often more to this issue than only these two choices that don’t feel quite right.
In fact, feeling like there are only two options can limit us from exploring all possible solutions and feeling good about our decision and ourselves as parents.
Here are some ways to approach this situation differently.
1) LISTEN
Even if you’re disappointed or annoyed that your child wants to quit, take a moment to listen to what your child is saying and let them know that you’ve heard them.
Making it safe for your child to speak up when something is wrong is one of the most powerful things you can do to create a close, open and loving relationship with your child.
Listening to and validating your child’s feelings is also one of the most powerful ways to build your child’s self-esteem.
Each time you listen and understand, you create a greater likelihood that your child will come to you when they’re facing a problem and want your help. You’re also setting the foundation for your child to be more open to listening to your advice.
You don’t have to agree with how your child feels. What’s most important is that they feel you are listening and valuing what they have to say.
2) ASK QUESTIONS
When your child says they want to quit, find out why by asking questions with non-judgmental curiosity.
Sometimes, you’ll discover there are deeper issues. For example:
When my client’s child wanted to quit her ballet lessons, it turned out that some of the other kids were teasing her.
Another mom told me that her daughter wanted to quit a leadership camp she’d been selected for, because it was too athletically challenging and she hated it.
3) INVESTIGATE FURTHER
If you want to corroborate what your child is telling you or get more information, you can often observe a class or a practice, or speak with the teacher or coach.
When the mom of the daughter in the leadership camp spoke to the program leaders, they verified that her daughter was struggling and that the program was only going to get harder. The mom also learned that the program punished kids by having them do extra exercises, which didn’t fit her values about exercise or punishment.
The purpose of asking questions and investigating further (if needed), is to uncover the root cause of the reason your child wants to quit.
Once you understand the root cause, you’re in a much better position to figure out a good solution.
4) CONSIDER YOUR VALUES AND THE LESSONS YOU WANT TO TEACH
Once you’re armed with more complete information, what are the values and lessons you want to convey to your child?
Maybe, as in the leadership camp experience, it’s that your child doesn’t have to stay in activity that’s supposed to be fun or an honor, but really isn’t a fit, and therefore won’t be fun or beneficial.
The application of this lesson has ripple effects far beyond this moment.
For example:
> You don’t have to stay in a job you hate and work for a terrible boss.
> You don’t have to do the (insert activity, club, etc. here) everybody else does, if you don't enjoy it.
> You don’t have to stay in a relationship that isn’t right for you, even if everyone is telling you what a great person your partner is.
On the other hand, for example, if the only reason your child wants to quit is because they’re having trouble adjusting to waking up early, maybe your lesson is that your child can learn to problem solve by brainstorming a plan with you that would make that easier.
Your other lesson might be that there are important skills, values or experiences they can attain by staying in the activity.
The more clearly you can articulate the values and lessons you want to teach, the more confidence you will have, and the easier it will be to explain your decision to your child.
5) DISCUSS YOUR DECISION WITH YOUR CHILD
When you explain the decision you’ve made, it helps to include the “why” behind it. Even if they don’t agree, children appreciate and respect us more when we have well thought out reasons.
You may also want to get your child’s input about the solution.
For example, the mom whose daughter wanted to quit the leadership camp allowed her daughter to stop, because her child was going to keep struggling.
However, she talked to her daughter about why she was letting her stop and how she was glad her daughter had spoken up. The mom also talked about the value of perseverance and commitment and how regular exercise was important.
Then she asked her daughter what other physical activity she would like to participate in and the child chose swimming. The mom enrolled her daughter in swimming lessons which the child loved and stuck with.
Are there ways to prevent kids from saying they want to quit?
Click HERE for Part 2 of this article where I answer this question.
The response to “I want to quit” can be so much deeper than the binary choice that first comes to mind.
When we widen our perspective, uncover root causes, consider our values, and open up to new possibilities, we and our children benefit.
And we can reframe our assessment of ourselves as “not good enough” parents to something much more positive.
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