The Truth About Your Parenting Power
Parenting is full of moments that test our patience, emotions, and problem-solving skills.
Let’s take closer look at my client, “Rachel,” and her 14-year-old son, “Sam,” to explore one such moment and uncover how parents can find their true power in relationships with their children.
Sam had fallen asleep on the couch. At 5:00 PM, Rachel gently reminded him, “Sam, it’s time to get up for tutoring.” She received no response.
At 5:15 PM, she tried again, more firmly: “Sam, you need to get up now. You have to leave for tutoring in 15 minutes.” This time, Sam mumbled an acknowledgment but went back to sleep.
By 5:30 PM, Rachel felt the pressure of time slipping away. She went over to the couch, called his name again, and tried to physically rouse him.
Suddenly, Sam snapped awake, yelling, “Don’t #%&$ing touch me!”
Rachel was stunned. This wasn’t how they normally communicated.
She wasn’t sure what to do and left Sam alone.
Sam didn’t get up until 6:05 PM. He missed his tutoring session and was upset with his mom, even leaving for his dad’s house earlier than planned. Rachel told Sam’s dad not to allow him any screen time that evening.
After this episode, Rachel was left feeling hurt, drained, powerless, and worried about her relationship with her son.
What happened?
Like many good parents, Rachel found herself in a high-stakes moment where her worry about Sam’s future collided with his resistance to her efforts.
Sam’s tutoring was important—he had missed several weeks of school due to illness, and Rachel feared he was falling behind.
Her concern led her to escalate her efforts to get him up, which backfired and caused a rift in their connection.
Rachel’s situation is one that many of us face at some point.
In moments like these, our heightened emotions—whether frustration, worry, or stress from other areas of our lives—can influence how we react. Common strategies we use in these situations might include:
· Giving lectures or criticizing our child’s behavior
· Raising our voices to enforce compliance
· Issuing threats or warnings
· Punishing by taking away privileges or enforcing time-outs
· Using physical means to try to get the desired response
All of these choices are probably things that our parents did to us when we were growing up or are the easiest to reach for in a challenging moment. These choices make perfect sense for us to use.
While these actions might produce short-term results, they often come at the cost of long-term connection and trust. And as Rachel experienced, they don’t always work—and can leave both parent and child feeling upset and disconnected.
If you’ve ever been in this situation, it does not mean you’re a bad parent. Far from it! You love your child deeply and want the best for them. I never want any parent to feel any shame or blame. You’re simply in a situation where it could help to learn some new strategies that work better.
The Key to Parenting Power: Relationship
In challenging moments, it’s easy to rely on our authority to enforce compliance. But what we often don’t realize is that our true power as parents comes not from control, but from the strength of our relationship with our child.
When our children feel loved, understood, and respected, they are more likely to work with us rather than against us.
A strong relationship creates a foundation of trust and safety that enables meaningful conversations and collaboration. This foundation helps both parent and child uncover the true root causes of difficult behaviors and explore constructive solutions together.
This doesn’t mean our children will always agree or comply immediately, but it increases the likelihood that they will listen and engage with us over time.
Over the long term, this connection fosters resilience, self-confidence, and a deeper sense of accountability in our children—all because they know they can rely on us for guidance and support, even in tough moments.
What Could Rachel Do Differently?
1. Pause and Reflect: Rachel could take a moment to acknowledge her own emotions and remind herself of the bigger picture. Recognizing her stress and worry might help her approach Sam with more calmness and empathy.
2. Connect Before Correct: Before trying to get Sam off the couch, Rachel might start by sitting near him and gently engaging: “Hey, Sam, I can see you’re really tired. Can we talk about tutoring?” This approach acknowledges his feelings and opens the door to collaboration.
3. Focus on the Relationship: If the moment has already escalated, Rachel might repair the rupture by acknowledging her part and showing care: “Sam, I’m sorry for touching you when you weren’t ready. I was worried about you missing tutoring, but I can see I upset you, and I don’t want that.” This models accountability and strengthens trust.
4. Involve Sam in Problem-Solving: Rachel could invite Sam to discuss solutions at a later time when both of them are calm: “I know you were really tired earlier and tutoring is important. What can you do from now on to make sure you get there on time?” Giving Sam a voice and treating him as a problem-solving partner empowers him to take responsibility for his choices. This conversation would also include a discussion about how cursing is not how they talk to each other in their family.
Why Relationship is the Source of Your True Power
Authority and control will only get you so far. As your child grows older, strategies rooted in control—especially physical ones—become less effective and can damage the connection you share. The relationship you build with your child is a much greater source of influence for several key reasons.
Children thrive when they feel valued, seen, and supported. It’s through these bonds that they develop self-confidence, learn to navigate challenges, and feel motivated to make good choices and want to be close with you.
A secure relationship with you becomes their anchor, giving them the courage to explore the world and the assurance that they can return to you for guidance and comfort when things get tough.
The strength of this connection determines whether your child feels safe enough to share their struggles and seek your help. It’s this bond that allows you to influence their decisions and support them through challenges.
And isn't this what you want? For your child to come to you when they're not sure what to do, so you can guide them? Especially as a teen, when the challenges they face are often much bigger?
Rachel’s moment with Sam was tough, but it was also an opportunity. By prioritizing her relationship with Sam, she can rebuild trust, foster understanding, and find a collaborative path forward.
The same is true for all parents: when we lead with love and connection, we unlock the true power of parenting.
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