3 Ways To Improve Conversations With Your Child
Sometimes, a little change in our wording makes a tremendous difference in how our child responds.
Here's a common example.
We may notice that our child looks upset and we want to find out how they are feeling
We want them to open up to us, so we can help them feel better.
The most common way to approach this situation is to use one or more of these phrases:
"What's wrong?"
"What's the matter?"
"Anything you want to talk to me about?"
"How can I help you if you don't tell me what's going on?"
"If you talk about it, you'll feel better."
Sometimes, though, we don't get the hoped for response from our child.
They may answer:
"Nothing."
"Why are you asking me that? I'm fine!"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Leave me alone!"
This could be happening because our child is thinking or feeling:
My parent isn't going to understand.
My parent thinks I'm weird. What if I am?!?
My parent thinks there is something is wrong with me. What if that's true?!?
My parent is criticizing me.
Of course, this is not how we feel in these moments!
We just want to support our child and make their life easier!
It can helpful to know that these kinds of thoughts and feelings are common if your child is a sensitive soul, or if they they are in the middle of trying to figure out who they are as a person (common in the preteen and teen years), or if they're trying to work out a challenging situation on their own.
Here are three changes in wording you can try to get a better response:
1) "I'm wondering how you've been doing."
This phrasing expresses curiosity without making any references to anything being "wrong."
2) "I've noticed you haven't been smiling much or talking a lot these last few days. Whatever is going on seems to be getting you down."
This phrasing first expresses a non-judgemental, factual observation of your child's behavior to explain to them how you arrived at the conclusion that something is bothering them.
Providing this explanation can help your child see why you're concerned about them, so they don't make the wrong assumption about your intent.
3) You can also open up a conversation by sharing your feelings about your day (including the challenging parts), and then ask, "How have things been going for you?"
This phrasing creates more feeling of equality between you and your child and shows them that you have hard times too. This can help make it easier for your child to open up.
My client, let's call her Maria, had been trying unsuccessfully for weeks to discover what was troubling her daughter.
When Maria tried the new phrasing, her daughter finally started talking and Maria learned that her daughter felt left out of her friend group.
Once this was out in the open, Maria was able to listen and support her daughter through this hard time.
It's always surprising how a small adjustment in wording can change how our children respond to us. And when it works, the shift in communication can be powerful.
Wishing you more meaningful and supportive conversations with your children!
Take the Next Step
Parenting is a journey filled with challenges and triumphs, and you don’t have to navigate it alone. Every parent deserves guidance tailored to their unique needs. Here are some ways I can support your journey:
1) Click HERE for my parenting video with more in-depth insights and practical tips to help your child open up.
2) Schedule a free, confidential consultation - Click HERE to connect for a one-on-one conversation about your family.
I believe every family deserves guidance that honors your individual needs, and I’m passionate about helping parents find practical, meaningful solutions that help their family thrive. Let’s work together to create positive and lasting changes for your family.