Should you ignore your child when they're acting out?
Whether it's a 3 year-old melting down and trying to kick you,
A 6 year-old jumping on the couch when you know they know not to,
A 10-year-old yelling you that you're not fair and slamming their bedroom door,
A teen who sulks and won't look up from their phone when you're talking to them,
Kids of all ages act in challenging, infuriating and confusing ways.
I've been asked multiple times by clients whether it's best to ignore children when they behave this way.
These parents didn't want to give attention to "bad" behavior and, in their words, "create a monster."
It's a very good question and here's my view, backed up by what we know about child development.
You can unintentionally "create a monster" by saying no and setting limits, and then giving in whenever your child tantrums, cries, demands and negotiates.
Maybe it's about having more screen time, staying up later, wanting something different for dinner every night, or begging for a toy every time you go shopping together.
Changing your mind and giving in occasionally? No big deal. Sometimes, it's even necessary to get through a tough moment.
It's the repetitive nature of saying no and then giving in whenever your child pushes back that unintentionally teaches kids that if they ask enough times or ask loudly enough, you'll give in on the original limit you set and give them what they want.
In other words, your no doesn't really mean no.
And if this is you, please know that many parents experience this.
It often comes from the deep love you have for your kids, your desire to have them feel happy, the difficult feelings that conflict brings up, and your priority of having a close relationship with your children.
This is also something I help parents with in our coaching together, so you can learn to set limits with your kids in a loving way where you don't feel worn down, and you maintain your close relationship.
The scenarios I described above are different.
In each of those examples, kids are acting out their feelings, rather than repeatedly demanding something from you.
In these cases it’s important to give attention to the feelings your child is having in order to help them change their behavior.
Here's what I teach about acting out:
Kids behave well when they can.
And the way they behave on the outside reflects how they feel on the inside.
So, if your child is not behaving well, something is troubling them.
The "bad" behavior you're seeing is their communication to you about their feelings.
It's the signal to you to pay attention and realize there is more here than meets the eye.
In effect, your child is asking for emotional support in the best way they know how in that moment.
And when you give attention to your child’s feelings, you can break through to what's really going on underneath.
And when you can solve that problem, the bad behavior you're seeing will lessen and go away.
Because each child and family is unique, in coaching, we talk about the personalized steps you need to feel supported and calm as a parent and resolve the specific struggles and conflicts you're having with your kids.
So that everyone in your family can get along better, and you can have more peace, love and joy in your family and your life.
If you're feeling the pull to find out what's possible for you and your family, please reach out here to schedule a free, confidential consultation call.
I'd be honored to speak with you.
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