5 Ways to Help Children Meet Your Expectations
What are your expectations for your child?
We all have them.
Is it to clean their room every Sunday?
Get ready for school on time?
Start thinking before they act?
Get good grades?
Be kind to others?
Become a doctor?
Our expectations for our kids are many because:
... we love them and want them to be happy.
... we want them to become responsible, independent, kind, resilient, and productive members of society.
... we want them to have great opportunities, and do well enough financially that they can support themselves and have a good life.
Our beliefs about our children's abilities have a strong influence on their achievements and self-esteem.
Our expectations are natural, good, and support our children's development, unless we find that they are causing unresolved problems with our kids.
Here are 5 questions to consider to help your expectations avoid friction and promote your child's learning and growth.
1) Are your expectations developmentally appropriate?
Issues can arise if there is a gap between what you expect and what your child is currently able to do.
For example,
Your four-year-old suddenly seems much older once your new baby is born. You start expecting your older child to be more independent, but your four year old hasn't changed and still needs as much attention and help as he did the day before the new baby arrived.
Your fifteen-year-old is caught up in the drama of all her friends. You think she should be able to see the big picture of what is most important in friendships and life, but she doesn't seem to get it. She's just not mature and aware enough yet.
You've repeatedly asked your eight-year-old to clean the bathroom, but certain parts keep not getting done. These are the parts that are physically too hard for him.
When your two-year-old has a tantrum, you want her to tell you what's wrong, but she won't tell you. She doesn't yet have the vocabulary and insight to explain her emotions to you.
You're annoyed that your younger child isn't taking on as much responsibility as your older child did at the same age. This could be because your younger child is developing at a different rate than your older child, or has a different personality. These kinds of differences are common among siblings.
2) Do your expectations match your child's interests, talents and abilities?
Sometimes what we want for our children is not what they want for themselves.
For example,
You loved dance as a kid and sign your child up for dance lessons so they can love it too. But, your child prefers martial arts and tells you they hate dancing. It's hard to let go of the dream you had of watching your child dance and enjoy it like you did.
You want your child to choose one of several jobs that are well regarded and well compensated. However, your child doesn't share an interest in those positions.
Your child's interests, talents and abilities lie elsewhere. Arguments ensue about which classes to take in high school, what colleges to apply to, and which major your child should choose.
3) Are your expectations clear?
Sometimes we think we've been clear, but our kids don't actually know what we want them to do.
One father I worked with wanted to have his children clean, dust and vacuum parts of the house after the pandemic started. To set his kids up for success, he demonstrated for them first exactly what he wanted. This way his kids would know how to do each task and the attention to detail he expected.
Telling your kids to be more "respectful," can sometimes feel vague to them, even though it feels clear to you. Or they might think they know what you mean, but their understanding is different than yours. If you can be specific about the kinds of things you want your children to say and do to show respect, they will know exactly how you want them to behave.
4) Does your child understand what you want them to do?
To make sure your child fully understands what you want, you can always ask them to restate to you what you asked them to do. Even if you've demonstrated and given examples, it can still be helpful to check. If there is any confusion or misunderstanding, this will give you a chance to correct it.
5) Does your child need support to meet your expectations?
Sometimes, your child needs extra help to do what you are asking.
For example,
Does your child need training to complete a task correctly (like the dad in #3 above provided to his children)?
Does your child need tutoring in order to complete their homework on time and get better grades in school?
Our expectations let our children know that what they do is important to us.
When our expectations are clear and attainable, they are more likely to be motivating.
Considering these 5 questions is one way to create expectations that set your kids up to be successful in achieving them.
And when your children are successful, both of you will feel good about what they have accomplished, and good about each other.
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