Do you want a second chance?

One day, my daughter was arguing with me again about cleaning up her room. I was really tired and I yelled at her.  

As the words were coming out of my mouth, I thought, “I can’t believe I just did that!  I feel terrible!  I’ve been promising myself for weeks that I wouldn’t yell. Why can’t I control myself?  Why won’t she listen to me?  I just can’t get this right!”

Maybe you’ve been in a similar situation.  And, like me, as the yelling or hurtful words were coming out of your mouth, you couldn’t stop them and you instantly regretted it. 
You watched your child’s eyes get really big. 
You saw their sweet face crumple. 
And you felt terrible that you’d said something so hurtful. 

You worried that your child was mad at you, that they’d stop loving you, that your relationship had been seriously harmed.  Worst of all you wondered if you were a bad parent. I’ve been there and it hurts.

Why do we yell or say hurtful things? 

Here is what other parents tell me:

·       We’re tired and we say the first thing that comes to mind.

·       We’re frustrated that this is the umpteenth time we’ve asked our child to get off their device, take out the trash, clean their room (fill in your situation here)!

·       We’re overwhelmed with something (or everything!) going on in the rest of our lives, and we’re distracted and impatient.

·       Nothing else seems to work.

·       We don’t know what else to do.

What can we do instead? 

Here are three steps that can help.

1)    Apologize To Your Child

One of the gifts of parenthood is that you have many second chances. If you’ve said the wrong thing, you can talk to your child later, apologize and say what you wish you had said the first time. Children appreciate our understanding and compassion, even if it comes a little late. They want us to get it right!  They are grateful when we do, because they are reassured that we love them.  In apologizing and trying again, you’re also modeling for your children that they can do the same in their relationships.

Here’s a tip about apologies. When you apologize, make sure you really mean it and take ownership for your mistake. You can’t just go through the motions or say, “I’m sorry for yelling, but you made me angry.” A better apology is “I’m sorry for yelling.  I didn’t mean to.  I spoke before I thought.”  Notice all the “I”s and that there are no “you”s or “but”s. 

Our children know us well.  They can tell if we’re just saying the words, but don’t feel the real feelings behind them. Receiving a forced apology can cause our children to trust us less and negate everything we say afterwards.  Apologies only have integrity and meaning when you offer them sincerely and take responsibility for your mistake.

2)    Have Compassion and Forgive Yourself

I remember saying to myself, “What’s wrong with me?  Why can’t I stop yelling?”  It’s common to beat ourselves up for our mistakes.  One way to overcome this is to think about what you would say to a close friend if they were telling you the story you just experienced with your child.  I’m guessing you might be more supportive to your friend than you were to yourself.  So, say to yourself what you would say to your friend.  Give yourself some kindness and forgiveness.

If you want to go deeper with this, here are some journaling questions to help you reflect and practice forgiveness and compassion.

·       What do you want to forgive yourself for as a parent?

·       What would you like to say to yourself to show yourself kindness and compassion for your mistakes?

Each of us is fully human.  None of us is perfect.  None of us ever will be.   And that’s okay. 

It’s normal to wish we were better at parenting.  It’s normal to wonder if we’re the only one struggling (No, you’re not!).  It’s normal to get frustrated with or down on ourselves for not getting it “right” or getting stuck in patterns we’re not sure how to get out of.  It’s normal to worry about our kids and if we’re doing our best to raise them to be kind, confident, and resilient.  There is no such thing as a perfect parent.  Our worry and frustration simply mean we want to do better than we are doing right now.

3)    Learn New Strategies

Wanting to do better than we’re doing right now is the beginning of change. We’re all a work in progress.  It’s common to get stuck for a while in the place of wanting to do better before we take action.  That’s what happened to me.  I really wanted to stop yelling, but I kept repeating the same pattern. 

It wasn’t until I asked myself why I kept repeating the pattern that I started to get somewhere. I realized I was not getting enough sleep and was dissatisfied at work. Those two things caused me to feel unhappy and on edge, and led me to reacting rather than responding calmly to my kids.  Once I had this awareness, I was ready to take action and stop hoping things would somehow get better on their own. 

I leaned back on my twenty years of work experience in conflict management, leadership development, listening, counseling, and assertiveness training. I studied child development, families and parenting.  As I put it all together and trusted what my experience had taught me about empathy and how to work with different personalities, I developed solutions that stopped my patterns and reduced the fighting and stress with my kids. My kids started listening to me and I started feeling like a better mom.

Now, I offer coaching to parents who are ready to stop hoping and waiting for things to get better, and are ready to learn new strategies that will help them stay calm and confidently resolve the conflicts in their families, so they can have a peaceful home and enjoy spending time with their kids.

Here are two things to start you on your way to learning more:

1)    Ask yourself these questions: 

·       Which of your parenting skills, talents or abilities are your most proud of?

·       What is the most important thing you want to learn about or improve as a parent in the coming year?

·       What support do you need to accomplish your goal?

2)    Learn how to build a great relationship with your child. Click here . It’s free!

It’s never too late for a second chance!