3 Steps For Handling Kids’ Laughter And Indifference To Discipline
Has this happened to you?
Your child does something wrong that needs to be corrected.
For example:
> Your toddler hits their younger sibling.
> Your first grader won't stop jumping on the couch.
> Your tween took something without permission.
> Your teenager just got caught lying about staying up late on their phone.
Depending on your child's age, the seriousness of the offense and your parenting approach, you might:
Say "no"
Lecture them
Explain the problem to help them understand what they did wrong
Punish them
In response, your child laughs, gets silly, smiles or acts like they don't care.
You feel they are not taking the situation seriously.
Your frustration rises and maybe you try again or double down, but your child's response doesn't change.
What should you do now?
How do you get through to your child?
As always, the most effective solutions hinge on understanding the underlying reasons behind your child's reaction.
So, let's take a look at why children behave this way when they get in trouble and some possible responses.
Why children laugh and act like they don't care
We often interpret our kid's behavior through the lens of adult logic and behavior.
Some common assumptions we make when our kids are laughing or stone faced about discipline are that our child:
Doesn't care
Is trying to manipulate us
Isn't taking us or the situation seriously
Lacks empathy for others
However, more often than not, the reasons behind their behavior are different, because children aren't adults, and their reactions are driven more by emotion than logic.
In fact, rather than not caring at all, our kids may actually care very much.
Their reactions, such as laughter and indifference, could be defense mechanisms to protect themselves from feeling heightened levels of anxiety, stress, embarrassment or shame.
For example, children might feel:
Nervous about the punishment they're going to receive.
Worried and sad that if they listen to what you're saying, they'll feel worse about themselves than they already do. And if that happens, they may also worry that it will reinforce their fear that they are a bad person.
Embarrassed they got caught or disappointed in themselves, especially if they know better.
Is there another emotion you can imagine your child could be feeling?
We might feel glad knowing that our child feels anxious, stressed or embarrassed about what they did wrong or what we're about to tell them.
That would be reassuring, because it would indicate that our child does understand the seriousness of the situation.
I agree that a certain amount of these emotions is appropriate.
However, laughing, silliness, smiling or indifference, often indicate your child feels overwhelmed by their emotions in that moment.
The emotional demands of the situation are beyond their ability to handle in a calm manner.
As a result, their reactions serve as coping mechanisms to protect themselves from feeling too overwhelmed.
And there may be another factor at play as well.
Some kids' laughter, silliness and smiles are a way to create even more emotional safety for themselves.
Subconsciously, they may hope to:
Establish a closer emotional connection with you.
Ease the tension and lighten the mood.
Distract you or keep you from getting angry.
3 ways you can respond to get through to your child
Here are some practical steps you can take.
1) Respond when you're calm
It's natural to feel triggered when you see your child laugh or remain stone faced as you talk to them.
So, take a moment to notice your emotional state. If you're getting heated, take a short break and tell your child you'll come back and discuss this in a few minutes. If your kids are young, make sure they're safe first.
Take those few minutes to calm yourself down by engaging in activities that help you relax. You might listen to music, move and stretch, watch a funny video, go outside for fresh air, look at family pictures, etc.
2) Identify your child's underlying feelings
Make your best guess about how your child is feeling about what happened and your reaction.
3) Connect with your child by acknowledging their feelings
Express understanding and empathy towards your child's emotions to help them feel seen, understood and loved. This can often lead to a calming of their reactions.
You could say something like:
> You must have felt really mad when (sibling) took your toy (for toddler who hit)
> I can see you've got a lot of energy to let out and I bet it feels good to jump (for child jumping on the couch)
> You're probably nervous about what I'm going to say right now (for tween who took something without permission)
> I know you know better than to lie to me and to be on your phone after midnight. I'm guessing you might feel embarrassed that I found out (for teenager lying about phone use)
> I know you don't like it when I need to help you think about what you did (for any age)
If statements like these are not enough to help your child drop their defenses, and they are still laughing or being silly, they may need more time to calm down in order to be receptive to what you have to say. This is most common for younger children.
Offer hugs or engage in playful activities for a few minutes to help them feel less defensive and overwhelmed.
After those few minutes when they're feeling closer to you, safer, and more relaxed, you're going to return to the issue and address their original behavior.
From here, you would guide your child to understand what they could do differently in the future and how to make amends for their mistake.
Navigating unexpected or challenging reactions from our children can be daunting, but by responding with empathy and patience, we can foster deeper connections and meaningful growth.
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