5 Ways To Handle Criticism Like A Pro
“You know it’s bad for kids to have so much screen time.” But, you just need the kids to be quiet and occupied while you get dinner ready!
“Just tell her she’s a bad girl.” That goes against all the ways you want to parent.
“You shouldn’t have punished him like that. You were too harsh.” Ouch, that one hurts!
“We never had to do that when you were growing up and you turned out fine.”
Sometimes, it feels like anything we do as parents is open season for criticism.
Especially coming from our own parents, these words can cut us to the bone.
They can cause us self-doubt.
We can also get angry.
Should we ignore the criticism? Or respond? What’s the best thing to say?
Before you decide what to do, it can help to first understand what’s behind the critical comments you’re hearing.
Recently, I spoke with some grandparents about what causes them to disagree with their children’s parenting choices.
Here are the nine main themes I uncovered:
1. Anxiety – Some parents feel especially protective and worry you will make mistakes or that your child will miss out on something important.
2. Control – Some parents want to control you and your choices, so you do what they think is best.
3. Threat – Some parents feel threatened by your apparent confidence and independence.
4. Hurt and Rejection - Some parents feel you are rejecting them and their parenting expertise, because you’re handling parenting differently than they did, and not asking for or taking their advice,
5. Self-Doubt – Some parents secretly fear they did a “bad” job and feel bad about their choices, because they see you handling parenting differently than they did. Subconsciously, they hope that if they can get you to change, their self-doubt will go away.
6. Negativity – Some parents are naturally judgmental and/or have a negative view of many things in life. Therefore, they criticize everything, including you.
7. Self-Involvement – Some parents see you as an extension of themselves; they worry that what they see as your mistakes will reflect negatively on them.
8. Dogmatic – Some parents believe so strongly in their way of doing things that they believe it is the only way.
9. Communication Skills – These parents want to help, but don’t know the best way to communicate with you, so they express themselves in ways that feel critical and hurtful.
Of course, some people fall into more than one of these categories.
What struck me about all of these reasons for disagreement is that they are about the fears, thoughts and personality of the person giving the criticism.
They are not really about you.
Yes, the comments are directed at you, but, at the root, they are not really about you.
Therefore, one suggestion that may help is to not take these criticisms personally.
Easier said than done, for sure!
For many years, I felt the sting when my parents questioned some of my choices. From experience, I can tell you that with support and practice, it gets easier to not take these comments personally.
A second insight about the person giving the criticism: It might cost them too much to change and they may not want to.
Has someone ever wanted you to change, but you didn’t want to?
If so, maybe you can relate. If not, maybe you can imagine what this feels like.
If you think you’re interacting with someone who doesn’t want to change, efforts to change them will wear you out and won’t get you very far.
I say this not to be fatalistic, but rather realistic about what could happen.
I want you to put your energy toward a solution that will be successful for you.
So, what can you do?
There are many ways of handling criticisms of and disagreements with your parenting choices.
The best option for your situation depends on:
how much this is bothering you
your preferred way to handle conflict
your relationship with the other person
the motivation behind their criticisms or disagreements
Here is a starter list of options to consider:
1) Ignore the criticism, let it roll off your back, and keep doing what you know is right for your kids.
2) Ask your parent for advice about things that don’t matter much to you or about topics where you’re willing to take advice. They’ll feel needed and helpful, and you won’t be given advice you don’t want.
3) Thank your parent for their suggestions or comments, say you know they mean well, and then explain why you do things differently, or simply say you choose to do things differently.
4) Change the topic if you don’t want to discuss it.
5) Limit your time with them if they just won’t stop, and the negative comments are stressing you out.
It takes courage to choose any path in response to criticism.
It can help to remember you are not alone and you always have choices.
Take the Next Step
Parenting is a journey filled with challenges and triumphs, and you don’t have to navigate it alone. Every parent deserves guidance tailored to their unique needs. Here are some ways I can support your journey:
1) Get free parenting tips - Click HERE for valuable advice tailored to real-life parenting challenges.
2) Explore parenting classes - Click HERE to discover classes designed to empower and inspire you.
3) Schedule a free, confidential consultation - Click HERE to connect for a one-on-one conversation about your family.
I believe every family deserves guidance that honors your individual needs, and I’m passionate about helping parents find practical, meaningful solutions that help their family thrive. Let’s work together to create positive and lasting changes for your family.